Cross the bridge to find balance in your relationship

By Valeria Vilar, MA, BEd, LMHC

A couple in crisis typically occurs when an unusual amount of discomfort or unresolved conflict causes the level of anxiety to become too intense for the couple to deal with.

Commonly, there are slight alterations, slight resentment in communication and the minor holding back of affection that result into distance, silence and finally a breakdown in the relationship.

Celebrate independence by overcoming emotional dependence

By Valeria Vilar, MA, BEd, LMHC

Undoubtedly, there is no feeling as exciting as the feeling of being in love. Most of us have a beautiful relation in our lives; we love our partners so much, but still face relationship problems every now and then.

 In my counseling practice, very often I hear from my patients comments such as:

 “I need my other half like the oxygen to breath”, “I can’t live without my partner”, “If something happens to my couple I couldn’t keep on living”, “I need more time with my partner”, “I feel abandoned or not loved enough if he/she doesn’t call or spend more time with me”

Is this love? or, Is it emotional dependence?

In general, people experiencing these feelings can’t clearly distinguish what is happening to them. They think they are in love, but in parallel they suffer pain, fear and rejection. Those feelings are very distant from the joy of being in love. In order to clarify these emotions and overcome dependency, the first step is to recognize the signs of emotional dependency. The following characteristics are the most common signs:

·      Lack of Boundaries: When respectful boundaries of privacy, time, fair fighting, or emotional and financial well-being are violated, emotional dependency may be the cause.

·      Driving Need: When one or both parties find themselves desperately clinging to each other, it's usually a good indicator that emotional dependency is occurring.

Enhancing Your Romance This Holiday Season

By Valeria Vilar, MA, BEd, LMHC

For many couples it can sometimes be hard to keep their relationship in balance when the routine at home, their work, and children, are invading their lives. In addition to that, the holiday season not only generates joyful times, but it also brings them stress. This unbalance could affect a relationship by diminishing its intimacy and romance.

• Are you feeling that another year is passing by and your spark is cooling down?
• Are you bored in your relationship?
•  Is the routine overwhelming you and you find yourself as if there was no time for romance?

How to tell a child that their origin is thanks to science

By Valeria Vilar, MA, BEd, LMHC

When a couple appeals to science to have a child, it is because they have tried for several years, and with different treatments, and have not being able to achieve conception. Despite repeated high hopes and disappointments, they keep trying to make their dream become a reality.

For these people, the desire to have a child is very deep. They need great patience and tolerance to frustration. This much-desired baby will be received with high expectations and a lot of love, and will be provided with everything her parents can attain. The family will finally become what these parents have always wanted.

In my practice I have observed that once parents are able to overcome the anxiety and distress generated by the inability to conceive a child, and become pregnant thanks to in-vitro fertilization, attained by egg or sperm donation's, they begin a new period in their lives where they become concerned with how to tell their child that his origin is through science.

From Enthusiasm to Indifference

By Valeria Vilar, MA, BEd, LMHC

Sometimes love boost promptly.  Others intensifies their feelings little by little. While most of the reasons of the genesis of love will remain forever unidentified, it is possible to recognize those that slowly corrode and eradicate love.

Bond in a couple does not unbound suddenly.  Previous the separation there have been always hundreds of small moments that were not taken into account and ended up breaking the enthusiasm back.  Those actions are:

Antagonism: This action takes place when you notice yourself irritated, critical to something another person is doing, saying, or feeling. Example: Your wife is joking with her best friend about how you never help her with the kids. You notice yourself feeling antagonized or opposed to what she says and a slight irritated.

Most people handle signs of antagonism by ignoring or weaken them and pretending nothing is wrong. You probably have thoughts like: "Don't get so upset over anything," or "Just forget about it”.  This is your first inaccuracy.  If you don't be genuine about your feelings of antagonism and resolve them with your couple, these resistances increase and turn into…

 Bitterness: is when you no longer feel merely irritated by something your partner does, you just can't stand it! While antagonism caused annoyance, bitterness causes anger. You feel angry, judgmental, hostile, frustrated, unloving. At that moment you have begun to disconnect from your couple and withdraw behind your emotional walls. If you don't be genuine about your feelings of anger and bitterness and resolve them with your couple, the anger increase and turns into...

 Disconnection, this attitude means separation: emotional, physical, or both. This stage occurs when you feel that it is impossible for you to be comfortable staying emotionally connected to the other person, and so you separate yourself from him or her. Disconnection may occur in two ways: As an active negative response (accusing, criticizing,) or a passive negative response (not talking, being cynic...) If you stay together in this stage, your relationship will be either very arduous, or very tedious. If you don't be genuine about your feelings and resolve them with your couple, the tension increase and turns into…

Restraint is a state of emotional numbness. You successfully restrain or repress all of your emotions, anesthetizing yourself to them in order to be comfortable. Often in the stage of restraint, you tell yourself such things as: "It's just not worth fighting over anymore."

If you are in this stage your emotional numbness will spill over into the rest of your life. You lose your passion and aliveness. You may feel even, flat, or bored. Often you experience fatigue and low energy. You may have successfully repressed the pain, but you have repressed happiness and excitement as well.

 There is only one way out for preventing your relationships from moving through these steps. When you notice some emotional nervousness or discomfort between you and your couple, be genuine to yourself; tell the complete truth about how you feel.  Don't wait! Don't overlook small issues! Don’t delay! Don't think that what you are feeling is too insignificant! Love awakes abruptly but its downfall often slow, inundated by misunderstanding and soreness. Confront and cope with the reality. Become skilled at how to recognize and communicate your emotions in a constructive way. 

Valeria Vilar, MA, BEd, LMHC, is the Clinical Director of Open Mind Psychotherapy & Wellness Center. The center is located at the Weston Town Center since 1998.  She works with individuals, children, adolescents, adults, couples and families. Additional information, can be reached at (954) 385-9550, and This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or by visiting www.openmind.cc