By Valeria Vilar, MA, LMHC, BEd

Kids’ fears are part of a normal development of their brains. Parent’s reactions to those fears make all the difference. The ugly witch, the evil giant or the ferocious wolf are turned by the overflowing imagination of our children into real threats for their physical integrity. Parents should learn how to support their children and help them overcome those fears.

Peter, a seven years boy, watched a very graphic movie one night. He is a very imaginative child, and as soon as his parents call for bed time, his fears appeared. He asked their parents to stay in his room with him, afraid that one of those characters on the film would visit him. His parents lied down and read him a bedtime story. Peter calmed down and slowly fell asleep.The following night Peter was not exposed to a fearsome movie and he went to sleep without problems.

Ashley is scared of the dark. Whenever she is on a dark place, the hair of her arms creeps up, her heart bits faster and she holds tightly onto her father’s hand. Most of the times she cannot sleep alone, and when she can, it is after mounting a great scuffle.

The atmosphere of the house shifts at bed-time. Ashley creates excuses to remain longer in the hall, throws temper tantrums, and finally needs to be led to her room by the firm hand of the parent that is up for the challenge. Often, a few minutes later, she ends up sleeping in her parents’ bed once again.

This situation soon becomes more frequent and Ashley’s parents get tired and feel helpless on how to solve this problem.

Though Peter and Ashley show similar behaviors, there are significant differences that parents need to understand in order to better help their children. In the first example, Peter’s fear is an emotional reaction to a very specific situation, and with enough parental support that fear fades away. On Ashley’s, her fear is not transitory, does not evolve out of a specific situation and becomes a constant and repetitive behavior.

Fear works, in children as in adults, like an alarm that helps us avoid running into unnecessary risks, whether the perceived danger ends up being a real or an imaginary threat.

In order to help our children cope with their fears it is important to know which are the more frequent fears they present. From birth to 1 year old: Weeping before unknown stimuli.

• From 2 to 4 years old: they fear most to animals.
• From 4 to 6 years old: fears to the darkness, catastrophes, and imaginary beings (monsters and ghosts);
• 6 to 9 years old: Fear to physical damage or ridiculous situation by the absence of scholastic and sport abilities;
• 9 to 12 years old: they most fear fires, accidents, or to contract serious diseases. It could appear fear to serious conflicts between the parents or bad scholastic results;
• from 12 to 18 years old: fears related to the personal self-esteem (intellectual capacity, physical aspect, fear to failure) and social relations. The fears listed are normal and part of the emotional development of children.

These fears irruption are part of a healthy reaction of our children’s brains during their growth. Another kind of alarm, though, should ring in parents’ ears when these normal children’s fears stop being, like in Peter’s case, transitory and a healthy reaction to a powerful impression and become a permanent behavior that haunts our kids and impede their development, like in Ashley’s case. Parents should prepare themselves to differentiate one kind of fear from the other. Monsters are imaginary, good parenting helps them remain that way.

Valeria Vilar, MA, BEd, LMHC, is the Clinical Director of Open Mind Bilingual/Spanish Counseling Center. She is a Psychotherapist. The center is located at the Weston Town Center since 1998. Additional information, can be reached at (954) 385-9550, and This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or by visiting www.openmind.cc

Planning your vacation with your child with ADHD

By Valeria Vilar, MA, LMHC, BEd

We all look forward with great eagerness to our family vacation. Some families plan trips to new destinations, others choose a quiet destination to relax, or end up choosing to visit their family or home country. This eagerness associated to vacation time is generally linked to the desire of having a great time and storing happy memories of the time spent with the loved ones forever. We all know that every new situation, regardless of how pleasant, generates stress both in adults and children.

This is especially true for children diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). I have often heard my patients or friends talking about their vacations with a hint of disappointment. Some said that their children had behaved worse than they usually do during the year. For instance, they complained about their children being much more anxious, annoying other members of the family, consistently disobeying, being disrespectful to their parents, being rude, etc. These behaviors caused conflicts, arguments and unpleasant situations among parents and siblings, and of course, generated a great deal of frustration and disappointment. I thought it would be useful to draw on these experiences to give you a couple of tips that would help prevent this kind of situations.

• Let your child know about the type of trip you are planning. It is not a good idea to surprise your child with the trip without having given him or her time to elaborate on it in advance. Mark the date of the trip on a calendar and daily check with your child the number of days left before the trip. Show your child the place you will be visiting on a map.
• Talk to him or her about the people you will meet, what the weather will be like there, the activities you are planning on doing, etc. In this way, you and your child can create a guidebook with drawings and pictures. This will make your child feel at ease since he won’t be dealing with surprises.
• Get children involved in planning the trip. Make them feel they are helping in the planning process. Encourage them to share ideas about activities and games
• Take their favorite objects or toys along on the trip. This helps them feel reassured and safe in unfamiliar places, and this will be extremely helpful at bedtime.
• Tell your child in advance that the same rules and consequences that apply during the year will also apply during the vacations. Children often assume that they don’t have to follow rules during vacations. Talking to them in advance will help prevent misunderstandings and unwanted behaviors.
• Encourage your child to behave at all times. Children with ADHD are often absent-minded or react impulsively and behave as if they had never been taught formal social habits.
• If your child is on any medication, ask your doctor about the need to adjust the medication schedule to your vacation schedule. You may be traveling into a different time zone, or sometimes families simply change their schedules while on vacations. Your doctor will give you all the information you need to adjust the medication to the new schedule.
• Finally, do not put too much strain on your child or allow him to become fatigued. If bedtime is extended more than usual, encourage him or her to take a nap during the afternoon to control the additional fatigue. Children with ADHD have more “episodes” of hyperactivity when they feel exhausted. Arranging and planning your vacation in advance will allow your child and the rest of the family members to relax and share some quality time together. I sincerely wish you enjoy your next vacation with your child with ADHD, and that these happy moments remain in your family’s memories forever.

Valeria Vilar, MA, BEd, LMHC, is the Clinical Director of Open Psychotherapy & Wellness Center. The center is located at the Weston Town Center since 1998.  Additional information, can be reached at (954) 385-9550, and This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or by visiting www.openmind.cc

What is your favorite role?

By ValeriaVilar, MA, BEd, LMHC

Each family builds a unique bond characterized by its own rules, values, customs and codes.

Each family member plays a specific role, a function, which helps to maintain a family balance or homeostasis.

In our professional experience, we have seen how within a family it is always the same person who “calms things down” when a conflict arises; while another member is the one who always “looks the other way” and points fingers for what is going, never taking responsibility whatsoever; and sometimes there is another member who is always interrupting with irrelevant remarks to distract others or to draw their attention; or there might be someone who -from a rational point of view- tries to gather as much information as possible to reach a resolution.

Gratefulness, the positive feedback

                                                                                   By Valeria Vilar, MA, BEd, LMHC

 In this month of November, families gather to celebrate Thanksgiving. People plan encounters with loved ones and show them their affection by celebrating with an elaborated dinner. This show of affection between family members who have chosen to share this special night is called positive feedback.

Positive feedback relates to recognition, esteem, and gratefulness. We are developing esteem from the gratefulness that we fell and received from others.

We fell grateful for things we have received. When we appreciate someone, we acknowledge the fact that this person has said or done something that has a positive effect in us. These recognitions generate esteem and gratefulness.

Let’s jingle bells all the way in this holiday’s celebration

By Valeria Vilar, MA, BEd, LMHC

The Holiday season is a time of great expectations. People plan with anticipation how to make each event a special moment to be celebrated and remembered. Different celebration models reflect each one’s nature: from romantic environments, with fireplaces, and inspiring music; all the way to fireworks, exotic, and magnificent parties; and everything in between. There is no universal or established way of celebrating, just the opposite, we may choose to create and participate in the kind of festivity that best suits our preferences.

For some people the holiday season can also be a conflicting time. This time of year is often a tough one to go through, for those people with addictions to shopping, alcohol or food.